We all know that life is a desperate meaningless pit of despair where our feet are constantly being dragged slowly into the misty ether bellow. Knowing that, we have to seize any chances we can to briefly pull ourselves up to slightly de-murk the filth around our feet and get some illusory sense of being closer to the sweeter smelling air above. This game, this constant game of avoidance of desperation and desolation, is a hard one. But its one that has been valorized so much that some don’t see it as a game anymore. It’s all just Plato’s cave, or Hick’s amusement park. Weddings, however, have long been seemed as a way to have one special day ONE SPECIAL DAY to lift your feet out of the mud. But how to make that day truly special? Find out bellow!
1. Get the groomsmen and bridesmades to go of on a build up activity weekend to bond and make friends!
Why not make it really fun by slowly pushing needles under the fingernails of the participants!
2. Get your grandma’s to be your flower girls!
Because what old people don’t want to be patronized out of their shriveled bodies for a whole day! Also, no matter how uncomfortable it makes them and how annoying the whole thing sounds, they can’t say no because its your big day!
3. Have a fun cake topper!
Because you are together now. You share a life, you share a house and you will share a family. And this is your super big special day, but you are not all fancy and aloof. You are silly and fun, and these shoes will show that. Why did he leave me? Why didn’t he want to wear matching shoes with me?
6. Design the bathrooms with childhood photos!
Another great way of reducing the time between you guests seeing children’s faces and touching their genitals. Or maybe even cleaning their own assholes with their hands!
7. Confuse your wedding for a children’s party!
Post-ceremony flip cup:
A ball pit!
BECAUSE ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE FUCKTARDS!
8. Facilitate alcoholism!
Alcohol dispenser! I could use one of these HAHAHAHAHA I have a problem with drinking.
These weird pub fridge thing people can over use without anyone knowing! Remember:
‘Think weddings! Think no one knowing how much you’re over drinking!’
9. Instead of a traditional bouquet, have a crazy ‘big-ass’ paper flower!
Ha! That’s not a normal bouquet! That’s not a real flower! Haha! That’s not real! Ha! Ha! Ha! THAT IS NOT REAL ITS NOT REAL!!!!!! ITS NOT NORMAL YOU ARE SO COMPLETELY UNIQUE YOUR LOVE WILL LAST FOREVER AND YOUR LAUGHS WILL ECHO THROUGH THE HALLS OF TIME AND SPACE BECAUSE OF HOW COMPLETELY UNIQUE YOUR WEDDING HAS BEEN
Maybe you could make a flower so big it could block out the sun and bring a thousand years of darkness over our dying civilization. Maybe then you’d actually find out the worth of your relationship as all couples where forced into a constant war of all against all for resources and places of safety. Finally, when you have seen your husband beat multiple men and women to death with a table leg from the table you signed the register on all those years ago, when you have felt the life slip out of men, women and children with you hands around their neck, when his eyes are hollow and far away and your barely blink as you swing a bat into the back of another intruders head and hear the crunch of their breaking skull. When you no longer even touch other in case you get pregnant and would no longer be able to defend yourself, or in case the intensity makes your PTSD kick in and you silently slit his throat at the point of climax, finally after that, maybe you will be able to look into each others eyes and actually confirm that you are actually a team, that you actually need each other, that you are actually there for each other, in a world of sickness and a world of death. When you really affirm that, perhaps you’ll find some actual meaning in your relationship, a meaning slightly deeper than novelty flowers and parlour games.